Anybody that knows me knows that I am a confirmed germophobe. Seriously. I don’t eat at buffets, I take my own sheets when traveling and I act like I’m looking the other way when the guy next to me on the plane tries to hand me his cup to put in the trash bag if I’m in the aisle seat…all of that and a whole lot more. I’m not even embarrassed about it. It’s one of those things that “is what it is” for me.

I have to say though that sometimes ignorance is bliss. Take this little dandy. Eric Tecosky of American Mixers contacted me about reviewing his product in Killer Hooch. “Do you want some literature about our product when we send you the sample,” Eric asked via e-mail before sending out the bottle of Dirty Sue. “Sure,” I responded unsuspecting.

I was ripped about getting this one. I love the dirty martini and Dirty Sue is a mixer used to make martinis “dirty” by substituting it for olive juice. It seems like automatically this is going to be a great item to review.

I get the package and as promised a bottle of Dirty Sue and a full press packet is included (along with some matches for my cigars and even a Dirty Sue logo t-shirt…this is going very well indeed I think). I start reviewing the materials. Oh, Christina Aguilera is a big fan. That’s cool. She’s hot…can sing…hasn’t wigged out and shaved her head or anything. I continue reviewing the material…other stars…parties…nice butt shot of Aguilera…drink recipes…more parties…WAIT A SECOND.

Right then my whole life changed. I’m reading a sheet of why they came up with the concept of Dirty Sue and then it hits me. Nasty ass open bottles of olives sitting out for god knows how long getting contaminated with god knows what by god knows whom all waiting around in some smoke-filled bar for me to order my beloved dirty martini. I swear, I never had a second thought about this swill getting dumped into my glass until I started reading Eric’s material about what a science experiment it really was. Since I’ll never be able to drink another “olive juice” dirty martini from a public establishment, I’ve got all of my eggs in the Dirty Sue basket. I’m like that piss pour holographic Princess Leia begging “help me Obi-Wan, help me” but instead I’m saying, “help me Dirty Sue, help me.”

I mix up two vodka martinis. In the first one I add Dirty Sue. Just enough to give it that right color. I take a sip. Oh man that is heaven. It has the classic taste with that salty offset of the olive juice. The perfect dirty martini.

For the sake of science, I wanted to do the direct comparison of trying it right next to a traditional olive juice dirty martini (my own olives mind you…not the open cesspool I now was all too educated about from a bar). With my second martini, I poured a like amount of juice from a full container of olives into the glass (by now I could be doing an infomercial for Eric and his Dirty Sue mixer though as the juice passing over those full round olives made it too difficult to pour straight and I spilled a bunch of the juice on the table). I tasted my “old school” dirty martini. Despite having added as much as I put in the first one (and another equal amount on the table)…I couldn’t taste it. I poured more in. Yes, it was starting to get some taste…but nowhere near the level of my perfect Dirty Sue martini (plus, I now had to eat all of those olives or throw them away as they would quickly rot without marinating in the juice). That was it for me…I couldn’t afford to buy the olives to get enough juice to make my martinis as good as I could with Dirty Sue and there was no way I was going back to ordering them at the bar. I’m Dirty Sue from this point forward or nothing.

The next time you’re out and want to order a dirty martini, or even if you’re having them at home, save yourself time, money and a case of whatever it is that dude is coughing up at the end of the bar by making sure they’ve got some Dirty Sue. It makes for some Killer Hooch!

For more information:
www.dirtysue.com